Welcome To My World.

Click here to edit subtitle

Blog

Usually consist of my day to day journal entries.

view:  full / summary

Previous Entry 3

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on January 21, 2014 at 1:25 PM Comments comments (38)

1 - 13 - 14 V

Why am I so annoyed with everything ? Everyone. . . I don't even care for right now. Solely everything I have has been focused on other things. I'm not sleeping, barely eating, losing myself. I'm shaking so much, I'm cold and lost. . . I want to find that warm light. Ignoring my daily lessons now, not taking in a single word from anyone. My cuts still hurt. Burning with every step I take, crying to me to scratch at them and dig them deeper. And my head hurts too. Even the slightest touch is painful. My shoulders are getting worse, not healing one bit at all as I keep making new scars. I'm shaking ever so violently, wishing someone would hold me and comfort me. I want to go paint.

Previous Entry 2

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on January 21, 2014 at 1:00 PM Comments comments (0)

1 - 10 - 14 VII

 

Another day of little to no work. Too much is on my mind not to focus. The pain from my cuts drowns my other thoughts, though some I can't seem to get out of my head. Longing and desire to say the unsaid, living to the limits with all this pain. Actually, having confidence but not able to say it aloud. What kind of thinking is that ? Ah . . . it hurts. The pain still lingers. Eight months ago. . . It's been that long. Turn the number sideways for the sign on inifinity. I could only have wished things could have been that way. Do you know what today is ? Do you remember those eight months ago ? I remember how it all happened on that summer day. The light breeze carries back to all of those summmer memories. I can't do it. . . The tears are welling up in my heart. My breath is cold, as has my heart become since the loss of those warm summer days. This breeze is so gentle. . . So soft and calming, like the wind is wrapping it's arms around me to give me comfort. Perhaps it is God comforting me in my times of deep sadness. Yes, it helps me breathe, my head is so clouded by all these thoughts. I want to sing a song to you. A song I want you to hear. But a soundless voice can't make a sound. What you gave me was a time of happiness. What you gave me was a gentle smile. What you gave me was a past that simply can't return. What you couldn't give me was, a future for the two of us. The frost is melting further and further away. My thoughts are still melting with the thought of you. Your smile still lingers in my head. Thinking over you again like I had knifed my brain. Writing it all in words people can understand. No longer caring to hide these emotions. The ripples of the wind disorting that image of imperfection. Knowing there's less than a chance but not no chance to achieve that. I ask you am I still alive in your memories ? Could I ever be welcomed back into that heart I called a home ? I am but a wandering shadow now, a being without a heart. A heart not devoured but hidden within other's hearts. Hidden and nearly forgotten. It's confused on where it's home is now. Broken and torn from where it should belong, and yet I refuse to let it come home. I fear what more corruption I could cause it. What more could I do ? There's so many questions that only God could answer for me. The band around this neck chokes me. It's such a tight chain and I'm choking on my tears. The words helping, connecting the truth. A voice raised to it's highest of volume. Where could the words from it be found, but hiding behind a cowering figure. The times keep moving, the desolate days unwinding. Destinies intertwining with one to the other, only to find a fatal error at the end of corrupt data. Sing your final song and scream your heart out to whom you want it to reach. You give yourself so many words, advice to follow, lessons to learn but you very seldom follow them at all.

" Is there a reason ? "

somehow I don't see one. You were all alone and also you were so very sad.Can I have a voice to use to sing and scream out my ideals ? Or are they too blackened to be touched and soiled anymore. Is this the heart that I had hoped for ? A miracle ? Now I know sadness, and the tears just never stop. Everything is so full of pain . . . And only a dim light could even hope to brighten this darkness. I have lost my bestfriend. I have lost the person I cared the most about. I have lost that me, for the better. The me that never smiled and couldn't speak to you. There isn't much time left now. Not much at all. For me, I'm almost out of time. The train is soon to depart. I don't want to let go. Ah, I'm exasperated. Lack of sleep and all. I can barely keep my eyes open these days. Staying up constant long nights just thinking about it all over again, repeating those sleepless nights in unhealthy cycles. Not being able to move on . . .

Previous Entry 1

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on December 13, 2013 at 1:05 PM Comments comments (0)

11- 26 - 13

 

I can't focus on a single one of my classes. My life has literally fallen to hell. He's trapped us like dogs in a cage and taken away everything from me. I've treated my friends coldy and hurt someone I care about. That person yesterday was not me it couldn't have been. . . I'm not that monster right ? The enemy has reached my brain again. It's eating away at me. I hate it. I wish I had someone to cry onto and pat my head and tell me it'll be okay. My health has fallen too. This broken heart and mind of mine are killing me. I can hear my teacher's yell at my ears right now. I'm sorry but I can't do anything with this stress. Shintagari. Why ? Why do I have to live in a world where people would care and I would regret my own death ? I wish for the snow to just bury me alive. I feel as cold as the weather outside. It's just so hard now I'm so torn. I'm caught in a web in the middle of a war. The only light in all of this is knowing one of the most important person is there by my side and looking out for me. He's done something unforgivable. He's lied to the court, the law, and he's taken me from my mother. And now I'm paying for this. My mind has become so clouded I can not focus on my studies. And now I'm sitting back here like a fool with everyone's eyes stabbing into me like I'm a fool. I'm the outcast in the shadows now. I don't want to argue with the teacher, but he doesn't understand this. You make me out to be the fool I am. I deserve this right ? It is my fault that I can't focus because I've lost nearly everything I care about ? That I'm worried about my brothers and my mother, who has been taken from me ? God help me and fufill his prayers. I have too many people to apologize to. I can feel the laughter inside of them, me out of the light like a clown. I want to cry but my tears are nearly dry. I hate this. I hate him. I hate everything he's done. This is all his fault. He just wants me to suffer. I wonder what he's thinking, my light I mean. Are you feeling pity for me ? Or laughing at me ? Or surprised that the small quiet girl finally spoke out against the larger authority ? My voice is fading. The end will come in time.

Torn

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on November 18, 2013 at 8:15 PM Comments comments (0)

A Melody spills forth. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. When he talks to me like nothing happened and we're as close as before it all. I missed those days so much. You're starting to talk to me again. You said you'll be taking me on adventures and you even used the name " Sora. " Sora.. what am I to you now ? Am I Kairi or something else ? I'm afraid I don't know. But just keep talking to me. It makes me really happy. I'm still torn between you and him.. You're really good friends. My best friends. My closest friends. The closest to my heart are you. Torn between the past and the hoping future. I'm afraid. I want you back, but I do like him.. If you were to come to me asking for the heart that is still with you anyways, I'll be filled with tears. Defeated yet not giving up. Thats what I thought and arrived at. Just keep talking and laughing with me. Let's go on adventures. You have someone else right ? I know that. I understand. But even so I still want to spend so much time with you. My heart I can't yet take back because I haven't forgotten you. I hold two hearts. One is here and one is within you. The one I trusted it with. I still haven't taken it back so please continue to care for it. 


I'm glad I met you.


I love you.

Liking someone ?

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on November 3, 2013 at 8:45 PM Comments comments (0)

The feeling of liking someone can be so cruel, especially when it's one of your best friends and truthfully, one of your ex's close ones. The one you said you still like ? You still do and yet you feel toward the other ? It's strange. But wait, you liked this person longer ? And you still hide your feelings ? You coward. Why don't you even try ? I wonder that. Why is it I can't come forth with these feelings. After what happened last night my thoughts are filled with you. Did you really say you'd have cuddled me to sleep ? I would've loved that so much.. The next chance I have I want that to happen. Is that a weird desire ? Maybe you meant it as a friendly thing ? Maybe I read too much into your actions ? I don't understand. And you do a lot of things I hate.. it's weird that I like you ? I don't know why I've had these feelings for you for so long. You would possibly be considered something I don't like. You do so many annoying things. You do so many wrong things.. -sigh- So this is how cruel the feeling of wanting love is ? I liked you for a longer time than the other. I knew you first. You two were pratically my best friends. Is that why I fell for both your kindness ? I really want these feelings to reach you ! I want to confess after almost a year now.. But it's so scary ! When I get around you I'm sure my face will become red all over again ! Holding on to your belongings having the feeling of your presence somewhat in them.. I don't get why I have that feeling ! Could you just get the hint ? Do you have a clue ? Are you oblivious ?! Hey, are you listening ?! I really want to tell you. " You know I- " Ah. Nevermind it's nothing. I really want to tell you soon. But I guess I'm just afraid ? I don't want you to be like that other person. If you stop looking at me that way I'll get a little teary eyed. Don't treat me like such a child ! You're not a sibling to me. No I want to be more than your friend ! Look at me will you ? Hey I like you !

Unique ?

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on October 31, 2013 at 9:55 PM Comments comments (0)

I'm nothing special really. The world could do without me. Sure people would be sad, if I was gone, but they'd all move on with their lives eventually. I'm not saying I want to disappear... But would it be okay if I did ? I feel like there's nothing about me that is unique anymore.. Anyone could draw like me even better than me. Anyone could render animation against a black background. Anyone could write stories like I do. Anyone can do all that I do. I'm not needed. The world would be fine without me and I'd eventually be replaced anyways. My parents would weep.. My friends might too. But they'll live on. They'll remember but it won't stop them from living. I can't make that one person most special to me smile anymore. I've only hurt them more and more. And thats all I keep doing to people anymore. Hurting them. Pain isn't needed in this already corrupted world is it ? No.. I'm not needed either. I want to sleep and dream endlessly. I want to live in that world with that person smiling and kissing me inbetween the ears again, telling me how much they need me and want me by their side. That world is wonderful. God's creation is wonderful too, God creates my dreams too though. So that world is also God's creation. God creates everything. Everything can be so beautiful and yet so cruel. This world.. it will all be worthless in the end. I'm better off alone by myself. I want to push everyone away. I don't want their pity. I don't want the attention. I'd just like to be alone. The only person I want to look at me is him.. And he doesn't want to see me probably. Love is such a pitiful and terrible thing. It can blind you in an instant and steal away all your happiness when it decides to leave you. That love was my only light. The protector of light to me. Sora. The sky above my head filled with white fluffy clouds and a gentle summer's breeze. I remember it so well. The night under the fireworks, hearing his heart bounding as my ear lay on his chest. The sweet taste of chocolate at the end of the pocky's trail. The sweet love and warmth I felt from his touch. My heart pounding in delight at everything he did. I remember them all so well, they are my most precious memories after all. Memories that will soon fade from him. And I hate that thought more than anything else.. I've heard so many bad things about the one I love. I refuse to believe them true.. But in the end will the truth set me free or tear me apart like a wolf ? Will I be eaten alive by my heart's selfish desires ? I wonder about all of it. I heard you use women a lot I guess. You cheated on some right ? Did you really ? I don't see you as that kind of person. The protector of light saves hearts, so if it is found to be true, you can not be Sora. Rather perhaps, Riku or Vantias. Yes Vantias, the dark face of the protector of light. Maybe you have your reflection confused for another's ? Tell me do you know who you are ? Who are you Sora ? A lover ? A fighter ? A terrible person of darkness ? Tell me Sora, whose the shadow now ? Because it seems I became a heartless when you stole my heart. You have made me into the Shadow that I am now. You are the reason I have become like this... Hope you know that. Everytime I see you with that girl.. it hurts me more and more. Sorry but I can't cheer for you, I hope it doesn't go well. I can't wish you two happiness together. Understand ? Please.. .don't hate me. This entry got off topic..

Coward

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on October 29, 2013 at 8:45 PM Comments comments (0)

I am such a coward, afraid of my own heart's emotions. Why is it so hard to tell someone something ? I know what must be done. Hey, would you atleast show a little concern ? Look at me ! I have something to tell you. I want to say it. I want for your ears to hear it. To hear how sorry I am. Even if it doesn't change a thing you still listen to people right ? If you comment something sad, I'm already in tears. So please don't reply. Let me just spill these words to you, and listen to them will you ? Will you hate me ? Will we become awkward again ? Again will we stop talking ? Anything but that please.. I know you have someone else you look at that way now, yet my heart won't accept that answer sorry. I have to tell you all the words I've been hiding in my heart. For so long have they stabbed at me. Will you tell me to stop ? Will you hold me if I cry ? Will it be as painful as I think ? If you don't like whats said then don't say a word. Just pretend it never happened and let's laugh again. Let's be like old times again before everything felll apart. Can we mend that broken bond we called friendship after everything that happened ? I can't stand to see that girl's face. I remember it clearly from the last day I was with you and your family. Two days later you called things off and my light fell apart. Who is it you like now ? Do I like someone else ? I tried to forget and I tried to fall for someone else, but I ended up hurting them too. I am but a liar aren't I ? Saying I was okay with all my questions that last day. I could see us drifting apart to different parts of the sea, and I desperately wanted to call to you but the cold wind froze my words. The words I've been holding in for so long now. Seeing your face makes me a bit teary as everytime I remember when you smiled so gently only to me. Can we go back to those days please ? Can I be given the chance to fix our past ? I really want to. I just wish we could fall in love again. I know you don't want me to cry, but it's a helpless effort. My heart so sensitive when love entered it, has left me broken and in despair. Please tell me your feelings of me. Do you want to forget me ? Have you forgotten the us that use to be ? I know I was so a crybaby. I burdened you. I knew it andI kept doing it. I tried to remain strong. I cried so much. As an excuse for attention I always cried. You were hurting weren't you ? I didn't show you how much I cared. I'm afraid. Afraid of your reply I've waited for to my questions.So many questions I'd drown you if they were water. Please, tell me the truth. Was I used ? Was I a toy for another person ? Was I just a pawn in a summer game ? Please my first love don't become a lie. I wish you still cared about me. I tested to see how much you did. And I was disappointed. You didn't call. You didn't message me. You didn't care if I was okay ? I told you I'd tell you. But I wanted to in person. Please, tomorrow, let me have the chance to tell him. So these words will stop burdening me..

A day of tears.

Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on October 17, 2013 at 9:50 PM Comments comments (0)

AFTERMATH



A guilty conscience is one's greatest enemy. A liar's heart is one's lowest fault. Both live within this corrupted girl. Myself. This monster I am, killing off another being yet again. I came to the conclusion finally. I can not love. I will never love again. I want to be alone. I want to stop hurting people. It is the only option I have now. To stray away. Yes, I have lost my heart. I am truly a heartless. All I will ever be. Because I am not moved on. I hate myself. I hate me. I hate her. I hate him. I hate I hate I hate I hate everyone. Please allow me to go away. Let me drown. Let me vanish. Let me wither away with this miserable voice of mine. I'm corrupted, delete me. Maybe, I should tell him to leave while he can. It would rain on this day, yes it is the countless tears I have caused trying to drown me. Do away with me if you would please. I have sinned. I have been dyed on a dark color. Please let me fade to the white color of snow. Let winter come wand let me wither away. Please end this pain. No more. No more. NO MORE. No MoRE. nO mORe. Let me wither. Let me diappear. Kill me, Please don't wake me tomorrow. Please I don't want to hurt people anymore. Gomen ne Gomen. Gomen ne, I just don't think it's a good idea. My seat is filled with junk. This corrupt song will never end, the notes echo so annoyingly now. I hate it. Hate HATE HaTe hAtE. My heart is gone. I'm sorry. I'm pratically dead. I'm just an empty shell. A nobody. And it's okay. I'm okay. Just smile please and don't hate me. I ruined everything I'm sorry. I knew in the end, fate would put me in my place. I'm horrible. The worst. Sorry hate me if you want. All I have to say Monday will be rehearsed. I know what must be done. Game over for this. It continues in cycles. I should have remembered. I never took my heart back. Keep it. It's too corrupted to be used anymore. There's nothing beating in me. It's an empty void of unkept promise and love for someone who cares not who I am anymore. Shall we say out farwells ? I won't. We'll have to be friends. If you want that is. Sorry you'll hate me. I tell them I'm two-faced.


Rss_feed