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Posted by Tai Kagamine Kokoro Veneziano Vargas on January 21, 2014 at 1:00 PM

1 - 10 - 14 VII

 

Another day of little to no work. Too much is on my mind not to focus. The pain from my cuts drowns my other thoughts, though some I can't seem to get out of my head. Longing and desire to say the unsaid, living to the limits with all this pain. Actually, having confidence but not able to say it aloud. What kind of thinking is that ? Ah . . . it hurts. The pain still lingers. Eight months ago. . . It's been that long. Turn the number sideways for the sign on inifinity. I could only have wished things could have been that way. Do you know what today is ? Do you remember those eight months ago ? I remember how it all happened on that summer day. The light breeze carries back to all of those summmer memories. I can't do it. . . The tears are welling up in my heart. My breath is cold, as has my heart become since the loss of those warm summer days. This breeze is so gentle. . . So soft and calming, like the wind is wrapping it's arms around me to give me comfort. Perhaps it is God comforting me in my times of deep sadness. Yes, it helps me breathe, my head is so clouded by all these thoughts. I want to sing a song to you. A song I want you to hear. But a soundless voice can't make a sound. What you gave me was a time of happiness. What you gave me was a gentle smile. What you gave me was a past that simply can't return. What you couldn't give me was, a future for the two of us. The frost is melting further and further away. My thoughts are still melting with the thought of you. Your smile still lingers in my head. Thinking over you again like I had knifed my brain. Writing it all in words people can understand. No longer caring to hide these emotions. The ripples of the wind disorting that image of imperfection. Knowing there's less than a chance but not no chance to achieve that. I ask you am I still alive in your memories ? Could I ever be welcomed back into that heart I called a home ? I am but a wandering shadow now, a being without a heart. A heart not devoured but hidden within other's hearts. Hidden and nearly forgotten. It's confused on where it's home is now. Broken and torn from where it should belong, and yet I refuse to let it come home. I fear what more corruption I could cause it. What more could I do ? There's so many questions that only God could answer for me. The band around this neck chokes me. It's such a tight chain and I'm choking on my tears. The words helping, connecting the truth. A voice raised to it's highest of volume. Where could the words from it be found, but hiding behind a cowering figure. The times keep moving, the desolate days unwinding. Destinies intertwining with one to the other, only to find a fatal error at the end of corrupt data. Sing your final song and scream your heart out to whom you want it to reach. You give yourself so many words, advice to follow, lessons to learn but you very seldom follow them at all.

" Is there a reason ? "

somehow I don't see one. You were all alone and also you were so very sad.Can I have a voice to use to sing and scream out my ideals ? Or are they too blackened to be touched and soiled anymore. Is this the heart that I had hoped for ? A miracle ? Now I know sadness, and the tears just never stop. Everything is so full of pain . . . And only a dim light could even hope to brighten this darkness. I have lost my bestfriend. I have lost the person I cared the most about. I have lost that me, for the better. The me that never smiled and couldn't speak to you. There isn't much time left now. Not much at all. For me, I'm almost out of time. The train is soon to depart. I don't want to let go. Ah, I'm exasperated. Lack of sleep and all. I can barely keep my eyes open these days. Staying up constant long nights just thinking about it all over again, repeating those sleepless nights in unhealthy cycles. Not being able to move on . . .

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