Before you read:
This type of text is extra stuff added in my journal like quotes, songs, stuff like that I like.
This type of text represents a letter.
February 9th The entry of Sky for the final.
The endless cycle of night has come yet again. Today I heard nothing from Sora. He's been distant since ice skating. His good morning text don't come anymore, in fact not a word comes from him anymore. And he thinks I'm more Namine then Kairi because I like to draw.. Hey genius Sora and Kairi use to scribble on the walls of the Secret Place. Kairi also possessed a natural talent for art. But I think you don't see me as a whole person in your eyes anymore. It's so frustrating, makes me want to cry. I don't know how I can get to him. Am I not pretty enough? Is it because I'm too short? Because I'm so quiet and often keep my thoughts a secret? I don't know what I can possibly do to make myself known in his eyes anymore. I've tried so hard, to talk to him to be near him to see him but all he does is push me away. We become close and as soon as I think I have a chance he goes and puts a thousand miles between us. It makes me so angry... It's so damn painful. I want to see him... he doesn't understand. He'll never understand. I love him... I've never loved anyone else. Not as much as God but more than myself even. I'm not weird, that's what my heart told me to say. But everyday I remember he doesn't want me anymore. No matter how much I've grown I won't ever deserve someone like him anyway. Knowing that and still continuing this unrequited love it should be a sin. The snow outside if only it could freeze time. I miss him so much it's tearing me apart. Roxas holds hope for me,that Sora will open his eyes and realize who has been waiting for him all this time. But only time that never ends holds the ending. Despair has crept into my heart and is driving me mad. I start to hate everything around me. My friends ask but I lie once again today and tomorrow on I will. The winter has become the temperature of my heart itself. Sora your true answer I'm searching for it now into the oblivion. If I disappeard could you be happy? My late night rambles; how dumb can they get? Sora wouldn't want me to dig into these scars but Sora isn't here now.. I let him down. It's my fault he's unhappy. It's because of me. "
" What are you doing now, what do you want to do? I am here. Transmitting this message, ' I have loved ', no, " I love you. "
I shall trail off into the oblivious darkness now. Thinking of that breath I shouldn't falter on my path. And so tonight ends now.
February 11th The Day of I like you.
The sky today looks like it's going to cry, much like my heart that is about to from all this pain. I'm tired. The blue of the sky is clouded misery. Despair put's it's arms around the world today and tomorrow. What is it you're doing under this sky right now? Today and yesterday too you'll ignore me again and again. I can't reach. " I want to see you again," melted into saliva. My throat and head are burning. I can't keep going on like this. It burns. I can't breathe. And no matter how much I cry I can't change anything. This just sucks. I wanna go home. I need to get out of this town. I'm going to see them again. They got out and they're alive. I'm so happy for them. I'm so tired. I might fall to the oblivion behind my eyes. I'm so weak and I feel my life draining for this moment. Today the sky is so sorrowful. I wonder when the snow will bury the past of this town.
February 12th Conflicted Memoirs
So the truth is really unveiled even though the curtain has been up for so long. The news was a shock, considering I never even remotely thought he and me ever had a chance. I'm so conflicted about it, it's driving me crazy. My heart is split. My old summer love whom I still have strong feeling for and my use to be unrequited love toward a person I've liked for so long.. What's a girl to do?
February 13th Turn them to memories
I'm a coward. Even though I know the truth now I still can't bring myself to send a hello. I should be overjoyed and yet I'm more conflicted. Had I found my true words sooner things could have been different. Back then, when I'd realized I was letting myself come to love you. After all those tears I cried when I came to the realization, seeing you with those other girls. Though I remember that day I met McKenzie completely unaware she was your girlfriend. What an awkward way to bloom a friendship. I look back on that winter day you walked with me. Then to the day you were walking with that other girl. How when you kissed her I went home and wet pages with tears. My fears and my shyness cost me a lot of pain. I only wonder why though... how long have you felt that way? Lying next to you, my heart beat just as it did back then. All those smiles we shared all the talks we had all those times I got flustered when you talked to me. All those times I avoided you. All those times I broke myself falling for you. I remember that day you gave to me, those times you hugged me when I cried and all those times you worried about me. All this time I was crying out Sora's name, but maybe I should accept the fate between us... Soon we'll fade to eachother's memories. And you, how long do you have to hurt? When the world starts to cave in what do you return to? I'm so unsure of what I should say. I know you're in pain. But I also know you need time to accept loss, learn from it, then turn that person into memories. You can't forget things like that, but you can turn it into memories. Perhaps I should learn to follow that advice myself. I still have that thought. For how long have you felt the way I feel about me...? I wonder if I'll ever know that answer.
The sunset seems endless on this long ride. We all live under the same sky, so perhaps you too are looking at the same sun. I've drifted between the slumbering and waking constantly. I wish I could get a little more color today. Everything is so dull and being so far away from home everything seems monochrome. The rumble of the road and the quiet of the sky carry me off into my memories.
Hey hey, I'm so far away from home it's almost unbearable! Ah, but the sky here is really pretty. The pink, purple, blue and orange mix together so harmoniously in the sky I wish you could see it. It's rather dark so it's getting kind of hard to write, well that and the car shaking. The time? It's currently 6:35pm. My nose is all stuffed up and it's kinda hard to breathe. I'm kinda hungry too. I wonder what you're doing right now, rather what is it you want to do. I've been sleeping almost all day yet I'm still tired as a sloth! And I also feel kind of nostalgic, don't get that part myself though. I met my great grandparents today, they were pretty cool. And my grandma offered me food, she fit the stereotype completely. They had two adorable doggies too I wish you could have seen them. There are so many wonderful things I've seen, I wish I could share them all with you. The first star is out! I put a wish on it. I'm going to see two old friends of mine tonight, they're really nice, my best friends from middle school. They ended up becoming a couple isn't that so cute?! I'm really happy for them. I can't wait to see them again.
Eh, who is this for?
Sorry, I don't know.
February 14th Love Day
So this is the so called day of love huh? What a joke. But I haven't the slightest idea what to do. Sora was on my mind a lot today. Wonder what he did. But y'know the other was also there a lot too. To think of two people, it makes me feel a bit awful I guess. What a melancholic day. The time is 12:20 am so I guess the day of love has officially ended for me. I wanted to weep today. Just all the pain and loneliness in so many hearts today it truly ached so. Or maybe it was something else aching.
Today too seemed endless. The only thing that didn't was the departure from my dear friend. Hey y'know today royally sucked? There were so many people around me and yet I felt so alone it was almost unbearable y'know? I only wanted that person by my side. Today I thought of you under this tear filled sky. What did you do today too? Being so far away almost makes me want to cry. I'm so lonely I want to weep. Ah my arm itches so it burns I've sliced it open. Hey it snowed today! It was so pretty I got lost in it. The clumsy me tripped my boots thinking of you in it and dyed it red. It didn't hurt until I got out of my snowy daze. It burns even now. Ah, I also felt a knife in me for what seemed like the first time in what's seemed like forever. One moment I'm comfy the next there's a blade in my head! It really hurt y'know! I know I'm a big baby for saying that huh? Not even deep enough for stitches you'd think me pathetic. I'm so weak. The stars really are beautiful tonight... Oh memories is playing. I really do love this song. Can't believe I didn't find it sooner.. How I let it fade away... I was quite a fool wasn't I? Y'know I didn't wish anyone a happy valentines day... Oops ha ha. No one would wanna be bothered with it anyway. Just create more pain right? I kinda can't wait for summer to return. Do you long for summer too? I'm in a lot of pain this winter. But you know, I really hate summer.
Hmm, who are you?
Sorry I really don't know.
Hey Sora, happy valentines day. I hope your heart is filled with love from those around you.
Hey ////, Happy Valentines Day. I hope the pain in your heart felt on this day will make it stronger later on.
Happy Valentines day to you... losers.
Skinny love: When two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it.
I found that on tumblr. Pretty interesting term.
February 15th Home.
It's kind of hard to write with this band aid so bear with me. Ah, we're finally departing home.
February 20th The Second Love of Summer
I remember a while back when I wrote, "I've never loved anyone as much as Sora." But that's a tired lie you see. As much as I did deny it, there was no mistaking that I had fallen for someone other than Sora himself. When did I come to realize this feeling? It was about last December wasn't it? Ah yes, I remember. How long ago did it happen? I can't say for sure anymore to tell you the truth. I remember those dreams. That summer day as my head lay so near his. His soft words and the comfort in their sounds. I remember that day of the passing. We both had eachother's hearts that day. Caring and watching over them.
February 25th The Day of Light's Visit and the Finding of a Past
I started an entry the other day that I was sure I knew what I was writing but yet I never finished it. How odd. Anyways, lately I am preparing for a battle. Yes against the mirror image, I'll strike him down. OMG I ordered a 15" Baymax plushie I AM SO HYPED. Thought I am now like... 80 bucks in debt to my mom. But I'll pay her back I promise! I'm not going home today yahoo! Love my family and all but I need to get out of the house. Especially where I'm going, I need to be there. In that place, there is a strong burning light. It's always nice to bathe in that light for short amounts of time. I'm incredibly excited for it ( ^ w ^ ) Oh. Another way threat grows another day. Everyone grab your megaphones.
Quotes Pt 1:
Red is the color of heroes.
It's not that you can fall in love with someone new because you forgot the old. It's because you fall in love with someone new that you'll be able to forget about the old. Only love can heal a heart that was hurt by love.
I have always been asking myself this question: Am I a memory? Or is this memory me? Are we nothing but a collection of memories?
Human memories are too vague. Thinking something has color when it doesn't, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things. It gives new greater meaning than what was actually there. That is why I never believed in any of this talk about "beautiful memories."
Back then, time had stopped... We were the only two people in the entire world.. The moment seemed so real, yet so dreamlike.. It lasted forever but what was gone in the blink of any eye. We were still young, and we carried eternity in our hearts..
Before meeting you, I didn't know what it was like to feel lonely. I never even considered myself to be alone. That's because when you feel lonely, it means that there is someone for you to miss.
After all, love is about timing. If you don't say the right thing at the right moment no matter how much fate was involved in the relationship everything will be ruined.
I don't want to hurt him... but I get hurt by him, and I run away. And then I chase after him again...Why do we keep falling in love with each other?
Some people think pain is something you can just wipe away and sometimes maybe you can. But not all pain can be erased. The only way to deal with it is to accept it head on. And if the hurt is too great for you to bear it alone well, then you turn to a friend close to your heart.
February 26th The World and It's Light and Darkness
I'm starting to question a lot of things I've known. Sometimes I just like to keep my eyes on the sky. The world is full of people or warmth and light, but also of cold and darkness. The people of light are full of happiness, love, and kindness. They bathe the world in light and spread it to those around them. The people of darkness are full of sadness, loneliness, and pain. They hide themselves in the shadowy corners and isolate themselves from those of the light. Now, when a person of light connects with one of darkness , those people end up in the twilight. For some time, they become a person of both light and dark. And when you take a person from the hot and bring them upon someone of cold, you get warmth. A pleasant comforting warmth. The people of light live to give this warmth to others. But in the twilight, the power of the light does not always come out on top of the darkness. At some point, the pain of that darkness may dim the light or even... obliterate it. Those kind of people with that kind of darkness are people who have the brightest smiles; the people who make it seem like nothing is ever wrong and they have no worries. These are the people who are unable to understand their own suffering. Those people have a pain that is so great inside them, that if they were to accept it too carelessly, they could damage- or even break their own hearts. They must find a way to face that kind of hurt. And if they can not bear what it holds they reach out to a light to help them through it. The world is full of pain and sorrow. Even the strongest of people of this world, are just as fragile as the rest of us and break down under too much pressure. Behind every pair of eyes no matter a person of light or of darkness, there exist pain and suffering. That could possibly be to say we are all people of the twilight then, but that'd be a thought for another day on.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to write all that. Yesterday the place usually full of warmth was a bit chilled. At first, everything was pretty much the same as it had been the previous time I had been there. But something was off in the atmosphere that I didn't really acknowledge at first. But as I ignored it, it only grew more heavy on me, almost to the point it would crush my lungs and kill me. And then something happened. A voice I'd never heard before from a person I don't know. As two voices corrupted the silence the pain grew inside me for some reason I couldn't process anything that was happening. What was I to say? The gentleness in his voice, it was none other than one of infatuation or so it seemed. This person of his past, was not past in his heart. And it was in those moments I felt hands around my heart and my throat confiding me into the silence I'd always known. I didn't know what to say. When the voices became one voice again I found myself putting on my hood with not more than a few words. As my friends turned toward me I could feel the pain of the atmosphere closing in on me. As he spoke me into a trance of which I could only listen to the sound of the waves beating against an isolated shore I began to weep softly. Even with the person most important to me holding me in their arms, I still felt so far away and so lonely. I don't remember much of anything of what was said between us then. As I packed up to leave, I parted from him and escaped to a cold lonely world. I took a hand full of snow, the cold of the world I held in my hand. So soft, so beautiful, yet so dangerous I crushed it. After that, I took my hand untouched by snow and brought the two together. Cold and warm both mixed in a melody. I started to weep again. I just wanted to look at the sky. All the pain in the world showered above me in the air. I wanted to take the burdens and pain of that girl. Someone so beautiful, and wonderful sounding, I wouldn't want her to have to cry anymore. I wanted to become a hero in red for this world. I was the strongest burning light of the world. I was Soleil. I wanted to carry all the burdens of this world. I wanted to taint my own wings with the blackness of ravens. Could someone like me, fall a precious drop to this world? I want to take away their pain; her, him, and him as well. They don't deserve a tear filled sky. Even the ultimate loneliness would be a price to pay for the lights of this world. Even I could have a wish, I would wish you wouldn't have to suffer the pain of this world anymore. The hero will fall a victim to it's people of whom it hoped to save. Please red no more, don't ruin anyone else's future. Let them laugh and smile as once they did as children. I remember one very important thing I was told yesterday. " Love is all about sacrifice." I swear in that infinite moment I clung to every word he said but it was all washed away by tears over the nightly morning. After a while, I heard my name come from that gentle voice and found you looking down at me. I remember the tale of the endless battling wolves and then I remember what you told me about that girl, and yet my memory is nothing but a blank page in a journal. It was wiped away alongside by tears. I then I came to realize, how much pain there was in this love. How much pain remained in a past I hardly knew. The words ended. I hopped up and rode away in silence, staring at the single star in a black sky. After that, I wasn't ready to talk about what happened more that I didn't know what to say and even now that's a true thing.
Even now I'm so distracted by it, that even that moment you walked past me just now and said my name, I went to say something but you were already gone, and I wouldn't see til the later hours of the day.
As I hit the ball in gym today, I started thinking about a lot of things. I had a lot of anger that was holding in that I always take it out in the game my aggressive behavior was more than it should have been today. However, I don't get it. The scream of the bleachers became music to my ears as I watched them creep away from me. I don't get it. I don't understand anything. I think about what to say later on even now. What to do what to do. I want to apologize to all those people that I've hurt. I've been thinking of a poem I'm going to start writing here soon. Maybe on the next page or so. The people who look down on me, that sad lonely little girl. I don't want any part of a story like that. I want to see you. To say I'm sorry. That's what I want to do right now. Time is suffocating in such a plentiful amount. We can only hope to make it worth our while but in the end, truly what is all that we do worth in minutes? It's a puzzling question. If time was worth something what would it be itself? That's a topic for another entry perhaps. I'll make a note of that. But me as I am, I can say I probably don't know anything. Or at least not any more than anyone else. The world can not be understood by mere human intelligence. No one will fully be ever able to understand the heart and all of it's emotions.
[The Poem went as this : ]
The quiet girl sits in the classroom
Staring at a paper fabricated world.
A boy appears bright and energetic
Those hearts skipped their beats
One become two
One fell in love
Two became one
One became broken
The broken girl sits in the classroom
drawing out a paper fabricated world
as she stands there in her dress
A boy appears broken and kind
Those hearts skipped their beats
One became two
One was unsure
Two became one
One broken even more
The quiet girls sits in the classroom
staring at the memories of a fabricated world
Her best friend of two years
A boy appears so full of life
Those hearts skipped their beats
One just stayed one
One was unsure
Two were confused
One just didn't know
The broken girl sits in the classroom
writing out the story of her fabricated world
Her best friend of two years
A boy who laughs like yesterday
A heart still just skipped a beat
One knew as well
Two people knew the pain of the world
One accepted it.
The quiet girl sits in the classroom
staring at the pencil fabricating words.
He is there too, smiling like yesterday.
She finally understood
and put her pencil down.
Well I failed another quiz in math today. Isn't it lovely how the system works? Ha ha ha. I quit. ---- this. Why can't I do this stuff right? No matter how close I am to understanding it, it's never close enough. I guess it's the same way with people.
I really don't like this class very much. It's not the teacher or any of the people in it, it's the overwhelming fact that sometimes it makes my writing feel pretty useless. I don't really quite understand the assignments and when I think I do the criteria doesn't think so too. It's so frustrating. And when the lady tells me to put away my writings to pay attention it really irritates me to no end. I wish she'd leave me alone. She acts like she cares about me, it's really a joke. The snow outside.. The snow is just really beautiful...
I'm so tired. Just mentally and physically exhausted. I'm not even sure I can do this today. And people can be so ignorant when it comes to their surroundings. I'm not sure of what to do with my time today. Certainly I should give London a call, apologize I was so busy lately when in reality I did absolutely nothing of importance that day. That makes me feel really bad in a way.. it really does make me feel like... forget it. I'm trying to cut down on my language today too. I have no hope I passed that test oh dear goodness me Maleficent put me to sleep. I hate math. Things can't be understood in calculations.
February 27th Ventus
For once I'm actually unsure of what to write. Normally I'd be full of insight on at least something, but today I'm blank. I'm so blinded by my emotions I can't think of anything right now anyways.
I'm gonna try to write. But about what, I don't exactly know. I'm tired. I want to bruise these knuckles until they speak something useful. I want to put this mind to sleep and find the other half of my heart. -Sigh- It's true. I'm no Terra, I'm Ventus. Can I go home yet? Why are we talking about Kanye West nobody likes Kanye. I have no water left ; - ; I owe Cory a dollar don't let me forget.
I don't know what to do I'm just really unsure. And hungry. I don't want to be near people. Things will revert back to the way they were between us. I can't do anything to change that. It's the sad fate I have to remember. In the end you'll become something unknown. And I just don't recall what I did in the first place. When I became like this. When no matter what I couldn't stop what I was doing. I started dragging myself through the thorns of a wilted rose. Why is it so carefully preserved if it's already dead in the first place? The same can be said with our relationships to people. People of whom have left us, we preserve in our memories with great care. But why is it that we do that? Do we hope to forever cling to what did but no longer exist in a physical body to us? Memories, where do they go when we seem to forget the people and things that existed in them? Do they fade into oblivion as if they never happened, or are they stored somewhere we just can't reach them... I don't know how to answer that question myself to be truthfully honest with you. Some memories inside my heart are so full of life to me that it seems they existed yesterday. Those precious memories of a past I somehow have forgotten. Those are memories too but why can't I remember them the same as the other memories? What is the value of memories and why is it that the average piece of junk can be worth as much as a diamond, and yet it is downgraded that people never let it reach it's full potential to become something great.
. . . .
that's how things work to you.
Your lies are your poison.
I am but a simple little fool in a world that is but a fabrication of the imagination of children. I know nothing of what is to befall it in my time; rather the wars seem to grow nearer as the days slowly go by. The shadows have all but risen from the ground, it is only a matter of time before they swallow this world whole. I’m giving up hope I can stop anything that is to come of this world. I can’t understand its difficult patterns anymore. It’s all complete nonsense to me. The number and letters allied beside each other are leading to my ultimate destruction. In my arrogance I have tried to wield the ability to harness the knowledge of this world, only to be shot down back from the depths that were once my home. I can no longer keep a future in this world. The upper hands have given their orders and my battleground in getting uglier by the minute. I fear this could be the end to all that I have ever worked for, tried to preserve it I did but in the end nothing really mattered because the same numbers and letters ganged up and shot me straight through the brain once more. This thing human’s call math is somewhat entertaining, to see what it does to the mind is astounding. It causes so much fear and pain in the hearts of those who can’t understand it. It is but a heartless being waiting to take its own physical form in this life we are living. And soon the beast will appear and it will strike down all those who tried to wage a fight against it. It is the only future I can predict with my circumstances in this time. The darkness is the hearts of people grows, consumed by hatred, anger, greed. There is not a thing to live for of physical value in this world. You only can live for the hearts of others in hopes that you can make a difference in their fate. Thought I tried to understand this world and the people in it, my research only proved how little I truly know. The heart cannot just be understood so easily, rather no one’s is the same. Hearts are all different, never identical to another’s. The darkness in some people’s hearts is greater than that of others and it only is to assume that in the end that person will fall to it. The hatred and greed of this world, educational systems, government politics all of it is meaningless. We will all crumble in this world. The number will have no meaning once the time has come for these shells to become one with the earth again. The educational system thinks everything it does it right, that it will make students stronger and knowledge and prolong their futures in colleges in good jobs and living happily ever after. The damn fools they are; they could never understand what the hearts of children are going through as they try to pack us with more and more useless knowledge; all of it, the presidents, the distance formula, equation and equation, the story of Romeo and Juliet, all pathetic useless knowledge that won’t amount to a thing. I once thought I would easily become lost in the world of art and wander there in forever without any burdens on my shoulders, but I was wrong to think I could do something so simple. Soon day by day they were brainwashing me, taking away all the imagination and dreams of my child years and turning it into knowledge. And that knowledge began to create darkness in my heart. My heart became dyed black over time, until you could swear it wasn’t a heart but rather a seed of darkness itself. To be truthfully honest, there was a time I succumbed to the darkness that was inside of my heart. I became a puppet for the world to play with, the marionette in which the crowd gets a laugh out of every day for days and days on end. Yes that was me, the one standing in the spotlight falling over and dropping things on my head. Yes, let them laugh and continue to laugh at me. I’m the world’s fool after all! Despite all the time the world threw me away I still cherished it, cared for it, dared not to hurt a single person in it. I grew silent and isolated from the world not long after. I teeter of the edge of absolute nothingness now. I am stuck in a realm of the uttermost darkness, but yet it holds the brightest light. You could only hope to know where these words were leading you. While you’re sitting here reading this a person is taking their last breath you know? Men, women, children, they’re all dying at this very moment. Kind of sad to think about now isn’t it? When we die, the world’s knowledge implanted in us will die off as well. It will return to oblivion where it belongs and cease to exist in the deepest pits of darkness no heart could hope to touch. There will they will rest with the dreams and imagination of the child, and the tears and screams of the marionette. Because when you’re dead, people start listening right? Well guess what, those thoughts and words they hoped to listen to when you were gone, they don’t exist. You only exist within the memories of people who knew you, and once they’re gone your memory dies with them. And those memories all return to oblivion with your hopes, dreams, tears, hatred, disgust, agony, pain. It will all be gone in the end. It will no longer exist. You will no longer exist. None of the world will matter when that happens. So why is it our lives are dictated by the things we write, read, know, and solve? Why? Shouldn’t it be our choice on how we choose to live our lives? We shouldn’t be restricted to this pathetic standard of society. If you can’t solve this problem, you must not be trying hard enough. Our minds and hearts were built differently from each other. Each of us holds a kind of uniqueness no one could hope to imitate. Our hearts and our brains hold different emotions, thoughts, and different beings. We are all different; none of us alike no matter how we dress or how much we know, the wise one is the one to know difference among the same. Try and think about that quote for a second. Just think about it and listen to it replay over and over in your head. Did you understand it? I won’t tell you the answer myself, because it is different in your mind than it is in mine. This whole time you’ve been reading have you started to question the reality in front of you? Why you work so hard at school and getting the best job when you know the chances of you doing anything in the future that’s going to amount to anything decreases every time the sun rises and sets? Think for a moment. Think about it. Nothing in the end will matter in this world of physical value. If you go along with the world you’re like a fish in a river amongst many other dead fish. You’re still alive, yet you’re just letting yourself float away with the other dead fish. Might as well be a dead fish yourself right? There’s no point in trying to go with the flow if you’re only going to end up dead like them anyway. No point. This is all stupid.